Over the last 2 weeks I weaned myself off two medications.  I think I'm going to go back on to one of them- Topamax/Topiramate.  I have been enjoying remembering words and not feeling/sounding as stupid as I usually do, but I had one long panic attack all night long.  The kind that hurt and felt like a heart attack.  By 5:30 this morning I gave up and took one of Big Daddy's xanax.  I am NOT happy that I had to resort to that, but the panic attack was unbearable.

The reason I wanted to go off these medications is that I have no motivation to do anything other than sitting around all day and playing on the computer.  Today though, I'm motivated to whip my kids into shape and get their own chores done, as well as me being a bit more helpful than just yelling at them.

I don't know if I will be motivated again like this if I go back on the topamax.  Of course, I'm so freaked out now, I hope I will remember...

I honestly don't think I could help my kids if I'm panicky all the time.

Decisions

Last week in the middle of the therapist appointment, I completely changed my mind and I made a deal with Second Son.  I told him that I would buy him the damn diapers, wipes and trash bags if he would clean up after himself.  If he would be more social, dress better, take better care of himself, etc...


Well it's been a week and it is interesting.  I think this backward thinking may make him actually grow up.  He wants to be a baby, but by indulging that one habit, I am completely insisting he grow up, and he doesn't see it.  I hope, hope, hope this works!


I "quit" my job today.  I don't know if it is permanent or just a sabbatical.  It's probably permanent.  I hate leaving, but I hate going even more.  My kids need me.