Thursday, September 30, 2010


I have now officially gained back all the weight I lost 10 years ago.  I so don't have the strength to do anything about it but hate myself. :(

I also miss my one fan.  I hope you come back soon!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Summertime and the livin's craaaaazy...

So, here we are.  Less than one week before school starts and I am crawling up the wall, trying not to scream or tear my hair out or beat the kids about the head with a carrot-whiffle-bat.

The deal with Second Son is not working as well as I'd hoped.  He is trying though, so I will keep on going with it and pushing him into trying some more.  He just does not want to grow up, and I want him to really grow up.  He is entering his Sophomore year in high school.  I HOPE HOPE HOPE he will just naturally WANT to stand up and be a proud man and leave his childish things in the past.

The psych has been on vacation, so this is the 3rd week without an appointment, and really, I don't see anything different.  I'm going to recommend going back to every-other week with him.

I'm really upset that I didn't get Boo diagnosed with Asperger's this summer.  I wanted him to get to school with a paper so he could be looked after a bit better.  But I've been talking with him and working with him to show him some of the things he's done in the past that he shouldn't do in the future with his new friends.

As for myself, I'm going off most of my meds.  I think this is the right time and place- though maybe I could have continued until school started- for the sanity of us ALL!!! :P   But I think having them out of my system beforehand will be helpful for me to start off right when school starts.  I have two areas, well three areas that I really want to work on:
1) I want to really get to work on my book.  And this will take a lot of reading and studying FIRST.  I have the books and information I need, I just need to learn it and to KNOW it inside and out.  Kind of like giving myself an advanced course on Ancient Egyptian Gods and Society.  I do not want to create some pansy-la-la book without any facts or depth.
2) I have got to get my house in order.  I have been very apathetic about it when I was on all the meds.  I've been waiting and waiting to replace my carpet with something else, but that hasn't happened- so I've got to clean out the crap, shampoo the damn carpet and then RE-TRAIN the children and dogs.  I'm not looking forward to that part.
and 3) I gotta start taking care of myself.  I have to eat better.  I want to cut out all sugar and fake sugar, and then do WW again.  This includes exercising and just taking better care of myself.  I need to like myself again instead of just being apathetic.

Oh, and I need to be there and take care of those kids that I love so much.  And probably do something with Big Daddy sometimes.  I adore him more than anything else in the world.  Gotta get him on WW too.

So that's my plan.  I'm glad I got this written out and put down somewhere.  Thanks to my one fan for being there to encourage me to keep writing!  *MUAH*

Monday, July 26, 2010

Over the last 2 weeks I weaned myself off two medications.  I think I'm going to go back on to one of them- Topamax/Topiramate.  I have been enjoying remembering words and not feeling/sounding as stupid as I usually do, but I had one long panic attack all night long.  The kind that hurt and felt like a heart attack.  By 5:30 this morning I gave up and took one of Big Daddy's xanax.  I am NOT happy that I had to resort to that, but the panic attack was unbearable.

The reason I wanted to go off these medications is that I have no motivation to do anything other than sitting around all day and playing on the computer.  Today though, I'm motivated to whip my kids into shape and get their own chores done, as well as me being a bit more helpful than just yelling at them.

I don't know if I will be motivated again like this if I go back on the topamax.  Of course, I'm so freaked out now, I hope I will remember...

I honestly don't think I could help my kids if I'm panicky all the time.

Thursday, July 15, 2010


Last week in the middle of the therapist appointment, I completely changed my mind and I made a deal with Second Son.  I told him that I would buy him the damn diapers, wipes and trash bags if he would clean up after himself.  If he would be more social, dress better, take better care of himself, etc...

Well it's been a week and it is interesting.  I think this backward thinking may make him actually grow up.  He wants to be a baby, but by indulging that one habit, I am completely insisting he grow up, and he doesn't see it.  I hope, hope, hope this works!

I "quit" my job today.  I don't know if it is permanent or just a sabbatical.  It's probably permanent.  I hate leaving, but I hate going even more.  My kids need me.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

School thoughts during the summer/Second Son worries

Just the other day, I enrolled Girly and Boo in the same Charter School that Junior graduated from and that Second Son is attending (or is that failing?).  Girly and Boo are so excited to attend such a wonderful school and have a fresh start with new kids.  They are not what I'm thinking about this summer though.

Second Son.  I've always known that he would MUCH RATHER be homeschooled than anything else.  But I've also always known that it would NOT work.  This year though, I'm not feeling that immediate "FAIL" feeling.  Does this mean that I should homeschool him?  I don't think so.  But I also don't think we have the right schooling system set up for him either.  We have tried (and failed at) so many things for him in the past, and I don't know what we can try for him next.  One of the things that I am very hesitant about with homeschooling him is that he really really needs peers and friends.  Good ones.  The only thing we haven't tried is private schools, but we cannot afford them.  Does ANYONE have any ideas???

Oh, let me give a few more details.  He threatens suicide when he gets in too much trouble (which is really only grounding from electronics and friends).  He has a fascination with diapers, diaper porn, and poop. and anything that puts these things together.  Yes, follow your imagination to the grossest of gross and beyond.  He doesn't clean up after himself very well, he stinks, and when he is forced to clean his messes, he uses my good towels and then throws them away!  The whole household/family has just sunk into not wanting anyone to come over because we don't know when a stink will arise from wherever he is.

This puts me out of cleaning anything.  I've really given up.  Yes, it's my fault, I shouldn't give up for the rest of my family's sake.  But I have.  I try to keep them in a good enough position so that they can leave the house well, but I haven't done a good job lately.  I have decided to work harder to change that.

Yet, the point is the whole family feels  kind of chained or imprisoned by Second Son's choices.  About a year ago Social Services came because Second Son complained to a teacher about how Big Daddy treated him (after a ginormous mess!).  Within a few minutes of speaking to the kids and us, SS totally changed their tune and were asking how they could help US as parents of this child.  They said they had so many programs that could help.  But unfortunately since we were insured, NONE of their programs would help us.  SS closed the case and we haven't heard anything from anyone, except we take him to his psych every week.  Even with that, he's not getting any "better." 

After he was caught shoplifting Adult Diapers, then his doctor put him on Celexa- which is an anti-depressant- for "impulse control."  I also hope it will help slow down his libido and need/want for said Adult Diapers.   We are also changing up how we do his grounding (2 days on, 3 days off- except when he's "off" grounding, he still won't get his iTouch back, nor will he be allowed inside any stores), with some other things thrown in.  The doctor said this should be more advantageous and that he will learn more from the multiple groundings than from one long, constant groundation.

I put this out with just a long big, SOS! to see if anyone, anywhere, has any wisdom, experience, thoughts, advice, for me.  Please???


Hi ho, 'tis I, your friendly neighborhood crazy lady.  And sorry for calling you a ho, it just slipped out. ;)

Well what do you know, it's summer already and all my demons offspring are running around the house like the olden days.  Except they aren't little anymore.  I guess I will introduce them (with made up names because I don't know what kind of serial killers are out there reading this) so you won't be confused. 

Junior: Junior is 17 and just graduated from a charter school and is looking for some kind of college to go to this fall.  He has Asperger's syndrome and skipped 7th grade because he likes to know everything there is about anything.  Unfortunately now his best friend is the computer and a bunch of troll things on the game, "World of Warcraft."  He looks JUST like his father, but with long long long hair.

Second Son: This beautiful boy is 15 and, true to his name, is our emotional,  jealous, and very needy child.  He can drain a room of the happiness inside.  Yet on the other hand his smile can fill the room with peace if that is how he feels at the time.  His emotions are powerful, yet he is confused and wants/needs others to choose his every action and thought.  And now that he's a teenager, he not only wants that, but is fighting it at the same time.  This last semester of school (9th grade) he failed 3 classes.  And because of circumstances that I will probably explain later, I didn't get him enrolled in summer school.  Then a few weeks ago, he was caught shoplifting.  He goes to his psych weekly, and is on quite a few medications that we monitor closely. (sigh)

Girly:  Our only daughter is 12 years old and is a wonderful mix of both her parents.  She has my artsy flair and ability to accept complete chaos and craziness, yet she has her dad's science/math brain and can learn difficult and complex things with ease.  She isn't sure if she wants to be a veterinarian or a scientist or an artist when she grows up.  A few weeks ago she spent some time in the hospital (after falling out of a tree) and now has added nurse/doctor to that list.  Oh Girly also has ADHD, but does very well with medication and her own way of burning off her "H."

Boo:  The plan was to finish out our family with another girl and be all hunky dory, but Boo had other plans.  He was definitely NOT a girl.  Boo is 11 and to his dismay, he's been the smallest kid in the class for his whole life. :(  Add to that he's the youngest in the family (ie: smallest) and he's got a bit of a Napoleon complex.  Now we've promised him time and again that Big Daddy was also a very tiny little kid, but look how HE has turned out!!!  Boo is starting to think this won't happen to him because he's lived for SOOOOO LONG and he's still just a little guy.  58 pounds and eating!  Boo has ADHD and I'm pushing his Dr. to diagnose him with Asperger's Syndrome this summer.

Big Daddy: My favorite person in the whole world.  We started dating when I was 15 and he was 17.  Or as I like to say, "before I was even born." LOL.  He is a foot taller than me and a hundred pounds heavier.  He does this even when I gain weight, so this is a plus for me because he always makes me feel tiny and dainty.  ;)  He is a loving, caring man who will do anything for his family.  He is also a manly man who can work on cars, do home repairs and go hunting etc...  Add onto that he is SMART and has a job that supports all of us.  We have a great house in a great neighborhood, decent cars, clothes and enough to feed ourselves.  He also keeps us stocked in computers and the internet, LOL, because that is his passion.

And me.  I don't make donuts.  But being a mom is sooo... DAILY, don't you think?  Do you remember those old commercials where the guy would get up in the middle of the night, saying, "I have to make the donuts!" and drag his butt to work, then he would be all tired and go home and go to bed, then his alarm would go off and he's say "I have to make the donuts!" and do it again, until the very end when he ran into himself... and the self who was coming home said, "I already MADE the donuts!!!"  This is how I see my life right now.   I have a part time job at a dinner-prep kitchen.  I get some dinners for half price each month, plus it gets me away from the home chaos and out of my own hair, and into adult company for a while.  But it also takes me away from my children and I'm not always there to make sure everything is perfect for them.

Which is kind of the point.  Which comes to my first "donut" question of the blog.  Is my part time job at this point in my life a "life saving device" for me (think airplane oxygen bags- adults put theirs on first before helping children) OR, is it me running away from my duties as mom?